The Fat Fight

Mother daughter relationships can be tricky but especially when you are struggling with weight and body image issues. The article I have chosen this week tells the story of a mother's anxiety and obsession with her daughter's body size and weight. While you read look specifically for the distorted thinking of the mother and how this negatively affects her daughter.

- Ilissa

What's the most treacherous ground for a mother and daughter to navigate?
Robin Marantz Henig and daughter Jess Zimmerman weigh in.

The Mother's Story
"I wanted to spare her pain."

Watching my daughter belly dance last year brought tears to my eyes. Jess was 28 at the time, and she was splendid. She wore a costume of bright blue and a gold hip scarf with jiggling coins. Her midriff—also jiggling—was bare. She was graceful in her shimmies, graceful with her arms, graceful when she flicked her naked feet. I loved watching her.

All the years of sitting through the plays of Jess's childhood came back to me, plays in which she spoke her lines in a sweet, clear voice but could never get over the awkwardness of being herself. I had thought that at the heart of Jess's discomfort, on stage and off, was the fact that she felt bad about being fat. Yet everything I did to spare her insecurity about her weight turned out to be a source of pain for her—and a thorn at the heart of our relationship that we're still trying delicately to extract.

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Surviving Thanksgiving With an Eating Disorder

Yup, Thanksgiving is going to trigger all kinds of emotions no matter what your eating disordered behavior is. Actually, all the holiday meals can be difficult. For some, family time is stressful. In that case you can focus on self-care and set boundaries with others. It’s all about being mindful. Pop in for a pre- holiday session and we can prepare for your holiday events or sign up for a group around the holidays. Mostly, take control of your holiday so that you can enjoy it. Don’t listen to the shoulds and don’t worry about what others may think of you. Who knows? Who cares! You’re a grown up and you deserve to be happy. You more than deserve… Find your voice and create “your” kind of holiday…

What makes Thanksgiving so hard to handle when a person has an eating disorder? Some problems are obvious, and some not so much, but any discussion of Thanksgiving and eating disorders obviously must begin with food.

Thanksgiving Food a Natural Problem With Eating Disorders

The massive Thanksgiving spread is clearly an issue for a person with an eating disorder.

For someone with anorexia nervosa, large quantities of food increase anxiety. There's more opportunity to eat, and eating is considered the enemy. So the pressure is on. The internal reaction is, "How can I avoid eating, and how can I look as though I'm eating when I'm not?"

Binge-eating disorder poses different problems. Chances are that there are foods present that can easily trigger a binge. Often, there is an effort not to eat too much while knowing how easy it might be to binge. Naturally, this creates tension. In my own work with clients who binge, I've seen people who struggle with binge eating have fairly normal meals at the big gathering, and then go home and eat large amounts of food. This relieves the tension (though it also leads to feeling terrible).

In addition to binging, a person with bulimia nervosa will often be concerned with how to eat enough to create a binge, and then to make sure that there is easy access to a place (usually a bathroom) to purge.

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"You're fat", "You're disgusting", "You don't deserve to eat", "you're worthless", You deserve to die"

I want to share this article with you. It gives you a better understanding of the automatic negative messages that run through your head all the time, every day. Many of the messages we tell ourselves were told to us by significant others when we were a child. We have internalized these messages, so that we actually believe these thoughts are true and now we repeat these statements to ourselves over and over again. It’s time to challenge these beliefs!

By Colleen Thompson
The voices of an eating disorder, a never ending dialogue that plays inside the mind of a person suffering with an eating disorder. Those voices and the cruel words they speak are with a person from the minute they wake up, until the minute they fall asleep. They encourage their victims continue to abuse their bodies through starvation, bingeing, purging and other dangerous methods of weight control, and can bring them to the brink of death.

Whenever you read about eating disorders or hear people talking about them, you usually hear about the eating disorder behaviors or the emotional issues causing them. It is not very often you hear people talk about the voices that go along with having an eating disorder. I feel it is very important to talk about those voices because they do play a big role in keeping the eating disorder active. They convince us that we are worthless, unlovable, fat, ugly, disgusting, hopeless, and so much more. They convince us that the world would be better off without us and that we deserve to die.

Most eating disorder sufferers are too afraid to reveal to anyone that they hear voices inside their heads. In the beginning, I was afraid to tell anyone because I thought I was crazy and assumed whoever I told would feel the same way and have me locked up somewhere. I can now see that I am not crazy and many people with eating disorders do have these voices.

It is very understandable why victims of eating disorders have so much trouble developing self-esteem and finding a reason to live. When you have such negative voices yelling at you constantly, it is hard not to believe what they say. You can never feel good about yourself or the things that you do, because whatever you do is just not good enough for those voices. They will say anything to try and convince you not to eat. They will tell you that someone so horrible does not deserve that food. If you do eat, they are screaming at you to get rid of it. They tell you that you are weak for eating and that if you do not get rid of it, you will surely become fat. They will tell you that no one will love you if you gain weight. These voices are very powerful and their ultimate goal is to destroy you.

Sometimes those voices try to fool you into believing they are really your only friend. They will convince you that you cannot live without them. They will promise you that wonderful things will happen, but only if you listen to them. They convince you that life will be so wonderful, once you have lost enough weight. Those voices will tell you that if you lose just five more pounds, then you will be happy. I used to believe those voices, but no matter how much weight I lost, those promises never came true. I was not happy and my life was not perfect. No matter what the scale said, it was never low enough. Those voices lied to me and they are lying to you.

It sometimes surprises me that we do not hear more discussions about the voices that are constantly playing inside the minds of someone suffering with an eating disorder. Those voices are usually present, long before the symptoms of the eating disorder actually appeared. People need to be made aware of these voices and the power that they have, especially the people that are involved in trying to help someone that is suffering. These voices provide the person with the reasons to continue to abuse themselves in the way that they do. It is impossible for someone to destroy these voices on their own. They need help doing that, before those voices have the chance to destroy them.

If you know someone that is suffering with an eating disorder, it is important that you do what you can to help the person free themselves from that negative dialogue they hear constantly. It can be frustrating dealing with someone that is suffering, but you need to be encouraging, supportive, and provide that person with your unconditional love. Do not get angry at the person and do not yell at them. Do not make them feel guilty for having a problem or tell them that they are destroying the family and making your life a living hell. Even though you are very concerned about the person, do not make them feel bad by telling them that you are losing sleep over it.

Even though you may have lost a few hours sleep worrying, the people that suffer have probably lost years of their lives to it. By telling them those things, you will in fact be giving those voices even more power. They will tell the person that since they cause so much problems for other people and upset them, then they really do not deserve to eat. They only deserve to die. Those voices they hear are negative enough, but having the people around them saying negative things only makes it worse. How can someone make progress and get better, if all they hear are negative messages?

In order to help someone that is suffering, you need to break into that negative dialogue they hear constantly. The person needs to hear good things about themselves. You need to point out the positive things and stop focusing on the eating disorder behaviors. Encourage them to talk about what those voices are saying and help to show them that they are wrong and only lying to them. They need to know that they are in fact wonderful people that do not deserve to live this way and they especially need to know that you love them. They probably will not believe any positive things about themselves in the beginning, but the more they hear it, the more likely they are to start listening to what you say. They will then slowly develop a will to live and they will begin fighting against those voices.

It takes a long time to destroy those voices, but it can be done. It is also important for everyone suffering to know that they do have a choice about whether or not to listen to those voices. No matter what they say, you do not have to listen to them. Remember that they only lie to you and you can go against them. The more you do that, the weaker they become. It is not easy to go against those voices, but you do have the power within yourself to do it. You will not always succeed in going against them, but remain determined not to let them win. Recovery takes a long time, but one day you will be able to live the happy, healthy life that you deserve and you will be able to silence those voices forever.

A Peek Inside Group Therapy...

I wanted to let you know that we will be starting up a new Eating Disorder and Body Image Group soon. The last group that I facilitated was very special. The women were warm and supportive and became close friends easily.

Individuals with eating disorders tend to have difficulty identifying their feelings. Most of our meetings begin with a “Feelings Round”. Each person shares 3 feelings that they are having in that present moment. If you struggle with that, I have a nice big list of feelings to choose from! After that, I ask the women if anyone needs time to share and I take down names.

The first part of group is spent on psychoeducation. Here we discuss anything we have read that we relate to or have a question about. Women interact with one another during this time in respectful ways. After that, anyone who wishes to share gets their chance!

The group is made up of women who are 20 years of age and older. All eating disorders (Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa, Binge Eating, Compulsive Overeating, or somewhere in between) are welcome because experiences and feelings and thoughts are very similar across the board. It doesn’t matter which eating disordered behavior you choose as a coping skill.

I have seen every woman in my group show growth in their thinking and behavior. In fact, when new members join, I always listen as the older members share how the group has helped them. Group therapy is a wonderful way to find support for your eating disorder. Listening to others share is always so comforting and validating of our own issues. For your confidentiality, we sign a contract stating that “whatever goes on in group, stays in group”.

If you are looking for support with your eating disorder, please feel free to call for more information. We can arrange a meeting at no charge to talk and see if you would like to join the group.

You are only a phone call away from belonging to a supportive family-like group!

Bulimia and Isolation

I want to share this article with you. Isolation affects those struggling with bulimia and it also can be an issue for those living with anorexia nervosa, and/or compulsive overeating.

Bulimia and Isolation: Purge Your Food, Purge Your Friends
By Matthew Tiemeyer, www.About.com

Where there's bulimia, isolation isn't far behind. A person's sociability really doesn't matter; the dynamics of bulimia practically force isolation to emerge. Bulimia brings many factors that erode relationships and leave a struggler alone with only the eating disorder as a companion.

Bulimia's Rituals Mandate Isolation
One study subjectively examined the lives of 13 women with active bulimia; concluding that all 13 experienced isolation. Another study suggested that its participants lived "double lives," bound in secrecy. What drives those with bulimia away from those who care for them -- or vice versa?

Most obviously, nobody relishes the idea of inviting a friend to come over and watch a binging and purging episode. The binging/purging process becomes intensely personal, steeped in powerful rituals. The rituals require that the person be alone, even if the whole process takes hours (going to the store to buy food, preparing it, eating, etc).

Bulimia's Choice: Be Isolated or Feel Panic
The eating disorder demands single-minded attention, so the plan becomes to avoid the complications other people create. Social interaction means a loss of control over the person's immediate environment, which can be frightening. Often, a simple dinner invitation creates a sense of panic that leads to a surge of anxious thoughts: "Is it a loud restaurant where no one could hear me purge? Can I get away from the table with no one suspecting? Is there any chance that I'll have to eat without purging? What if everyone else orders food that's hard to throw up and I feel as though I have to order something similar? Won't I stand out too much if I don't?"
The list of potential problems is endless. Instead, many with bulimia will often say, "No thanks; I can't go to dinner tonight." The relief outweighs the lost social contact.

Bulimia Creates Isolation through Self-Hatred
A person struggling with bulimia generally has a series of messages that go through his (or her) head (as did this eating disorder survivor) telling him that he has no value:

"Come on, who are you kidding? You can't be a friend to that person. I'm the only one who can stand you. Now find some cereal so we can start binging."

"If I could call you something more worthless than worthless, I would."

"It's not going to get better. You can't even get a job at a coffee stand. I'm all you've got."

The theme rages: The person "hears" that he is of no value to himself, let alone others. I believe that this reduces motivation for moving toward someone else in friendship, since the assumption is that a potential friend will discover the person's "badness" and reject him.

Depression in Bulimia Feeds Isolation
Depression and bulimia are common partners. When depression takes hold, it reinforces the sense of powerlessness and worthlessness that bulimia tends to cause. The person feels smaller and weaker, and thus less appealing. As the world seems to narrow, there seems to be less room for friends and family.

Returning to Health Requires Contact and Intimacy
It's reported that 6% of those with bulimia seek mental health care. Choosing to get help is a hard decision to make: Treatment means telling someone else what's going on and eliminating some of the isolation.

Antidepressants can provide a boost here by loosening the hold of the feelings of powerlessness and worthlessness. In some cases, bringing these under control makes intimacy less anxiety-filled and more inviting.

One further step is to become involved in a recovery group of some form -- whether a formal therapy group, a support group, or a 12-step group like Eating Disorders Anonymous. When a group has good ground rules (that is, rules that don't reinforce disordered eating behaviors); finding out that others have similar struggles can be a huge boost in recovery.

How to Help a Friend or a Loved One

I was asked by one of my readers, how to support a loved one when they are struggling with an eating disorder. It’s an excellent question and I’ll pose another to my reader, how do you emotionally support yourself living with someone with an eating disorder?

Here are some tips for How to Help a Friend or Loved One
http://something-fishy.org

Eating disorders are very sensitive issues. Many individuals want to help someone they know, but do not know where to begin. Before you try to help someone, be sure to examine your own attitudes about disordered eating. Do you think disordered eating is about any of the following?

It is disgusting
It is for attention
It is behavior to control others
It is a weakness
It is narcissistic
It is about wanting to be thin
Individuals who do it are crazy

If you have any of these feelings about disordered eating, we do not recommend you try to help someone until you educate yourself about eating disorders and explore your own attitudes.

Eating disorders are medical conditions that have mental, emotional and physical complications.
When you understand this, you are in a position to be very helpful to someone struggling in silence.
Remember, this is a health issue!!

These simple steps have been proven to be affective when wanting to help:

Set a time to talk in private and allow for plenty of time
Tell the person what you have observed in behaviors Relate your feelings about these observed behaviors
Let the person talk about your observations and feelings
Avoid conflict and recognize denial and minimization as part of the problem
If the person is resistant, repeat your observations and feelings calmly
Do not place shame, guilt or failure on the person
Avoid giving simple advice
Encourage the person to seek professional help
Offer to help the person locate and make an appointment with a professional
Offer to accompany the person to the appointment

If you have attempted to support your loved one, share your story...

How Are You Doing?

Eating disorders are tough. They tend to isolate people and make them feel shameful and guilty about their secretive behaviors and their concern for their health issues.

It is important to find a “safe person”. A safe person is someone who will not judge you and will listen with empathy and support. I believe in privacy, but if you can think of one person that you trust or feel sure enough to take a small risk, and share about yourself; I suggest you try.

You might tell a friend, your partner, a therapist, someone from your church/temple; anyone you choose. Remember, you’re looking for someone who won’t judge you. You will feel so much better when you can feel the love and support from another person!

Together you and this person might gather information about getting help. Perhaps you are already in counseling and this can be your “safe person” outside of counseling.

It’s okay to be who you are and where you're at right now, even if you don’t like it very much.. There are reasons to be explored regarding why and new understandings and choices to make. But give yourself a break! In fact, give yourself a hug, I’m serious, wrap your arms around yourself and hold it long and tight. Tell yourself, I love you just the way you are… Feel good? Do it once a day. I bet you’re much kinder to others than you are to yourself!

You’re a good person and you most likely don’t give yourself enough credit for the things that you do well. Make yourself a list of the things that you like about yourself. I am going to leave you with a list of affirmations that you can print and post around your house this week. Good luck!

Please share your story if you tried these exercises!

Affirmations to Post on the Fridge

1. My worth as a person is not diminished in any way by my body size or my eating patterns.

2. I will love myself no matter what my eating patterns are.

3. I will judge my days not by what or how much I eat, but by the accomplishments I have made and the love I have given.

4. My life is a gift, and I will not let my enjoyment of it be diminished by feeling guilty over my body size or how much I eat.

5. I am finished blaming others, situations, and myself for the way I eat. I will take action minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, and day-by-day until I can eat normally again.

6. My eating disorder is a temporary condition in my life.

7. There is a normal eater within me. I will let her/him take over my life more and more each day as I am ready.

8. I can imagine a life without having an eating disorder.

9. When I feel stressed, I will close my eyes and picture how my all-powerful, normal eater would handle the situation.

10. I believe I will be a normal eater again. I know I will be a normal eater again!